SAY ‘OK’ WITH LATER IN MIND
Your kids will not remember the times you stopped what you were doing and played with them. They won't, but do it anyway!
That time you were doing yard work and your kid wanted to play dinosaurs - so you stopped working and roared, walking around your yard like a mad man stomping and chasing your kid who was squealing with joy and you felt like the dad of the year! Yeah, he's not going to remember that.
The time you were on the phone finally having some much-needed adult conversation and your kid wanted to show you their pokemon collection for the gazillionth time - you looked down in their sweet big eyes - got off the phone and looked at 2,000 cards one at a time, listening to him pronounce names like Megastealix-EX, Mewtwo, Rillaboom with Voltage Beat Attack - YUP! That story will be missing from your obituary because they WILL NOT REMEMBER IT!
That song you listened to your little girl sing even though she could only remember one line - but sang it for 12-minutes anyway! GONE from her memory like 2 minutes later! Saying OK when your kid wants to play will make memories…. that mostly get forgotten
-But it's the most important thing we can do for a future with them-
I'm not trying to be pessimistic, but it's true. Our children's core memories are mostly always built on random ever-changing foundations of need, and you couldn't keep up with that if you wanted to. What they do keep is a relationship; a storehouse of trust, love, and affection gets poured as a foundation for a much later time.
So say 'OK' when your kids want to play.
Think about your childhood; do you remember every time your parents got up when you had a bad dream? Do you remember even most of the times your parents said yes to playing with you, listening to your stories, coloring with you? NOPE, and they did that stuff a lot! Even the memories you do have of them doing that stuff, do you think that was the only time? Do you know how many times they actually said ‘OK’ to you? PLENTY MORE THAN YOU REMEMBER! We maybe remember a handful of these moments at best, but there were thousands of times they happened, if not more.
Let's do some fast math. If you asked your parents to play, listen to a song you want to sing, or tell a story - let's say 2 times a day from the time you were 3 years old until the time you were 7 years old, you would have asked your parents to play with you 2,920 times.
Now that's a crazy low standard for a kid, 2 times a day - yeah it's probably more like 2 times a minute during those years!
The fact is we keep a very low number of these specific memories beyond our early teen years. After that, our memories are shaped by our peer groups, experiences, and image of our self, and that's good that's developmentally appropriate. From our most fundamental and formative years with our parents (ages 0-12) most studies on child and adolescent development have shown that even those memories are hybrid memories or several different moments combined into one. This is sort of the mind's way of compartmentalizing and making space. What we do take with us is the relationship, the feelings in those moments.
That's a thing that should weigh heavily on your mind!
I'm not going to spend the time talking about the biophysical needs of a child - that's not my goal. Holding, hugging, kissing, playing, talking, making eye contact, hearing your voice, hearing your KIND voice all that has continually been proven to be so incredibly important for not just human development on a basic level but heavily impacts how that child views the world, but more importantly themselves. For 12 years I worked on a clinical psychiatric unit for children ages 5-18. It was always clear and evident who the children were that experienced neglect in these core needs, and those that received even the most basic amount of care and affection.
So that should make you feel good! It doesn’t take a super human amount of effort to have a good impact on your kids, it just takes regular and positive moments for the impact to last and grow.
If we had positive experiences with our parents and had attentive parents that engaged with us humoring our imaginative needs; then chances stand very strong you have a solid relationship now with your parents. But if not...
Disclaimer before we go forward: I'm not saying every waking moment needs to focus on our kids, AND I'm not saying that every impulse or request our child has needs catered to, and in no way am I suggesting you raise your child to think that they are the center of the universe; we've all seen where that ends up, adult age children still floored when they didn't get the job, or middle-aged men angry and bitter because life didn't turn out 'exactly' the way he wanted it. No one wants a 24-year-old daughter on Instagram needing constant likes and hearts to feel valued because her parents raised her to be the center of the freaking universe (but she's not). No need for anyone to raise Veruca Salt's here. 'I want the world, I want the whole world...' Willy Wonka, the spoiled girl, falls down the 'bad egg' shoot. Anybody? Moving on!
Want to be the one they talk to when they become a moody teenager? Play legos 20 minutes before they go to bed when they're 4. Want your daughter to tell you when she gets offered drugs? Read to her daily before she's 12 - then ask her what she thinks about the story - AND actually listen to her. Want to know that your kid IS going where they say they will go when they 16 and driving? Be the one that lets them drive you crazy now with a play-by-play reenactment of the TV show you literally just watched with them - Then tell them you love them, that you appreciate them wanting to share the story with you, and mean it.
I have 4 kids, three are boys 7 and under, my oldest is our daughter 14, she's more into her social circle at the moment than being her parents' shadow. This leaves the boy hoard constantly at my heels. I run my own business, often the one cooking dinner, and try to get any available time I can with my wife. My point is I don't have what's called "me time" often.
On top of that, I was raised an only child so my family now is the largest family I've ever been part of. It gets overwhelming at times for me. It is NOT a natural position of mine to be fine with 4 conversations going on at once, or being a 'zen dad' when stuff breaks, someone falls off a shelf - or - there's a dog pile of biting boys wrestling over a Black Panther action figure. However; my wife was the oldest of 7 in her house - and now she's part of the smallest family she's ever had. She's typically much calmer with the chaos - unshaken - chill as a Hindu cow (the Hindu cows are calm because they know they wont be made into burger - get it) . She is far more adept at the chaos that I'm finding myself growing into.
It's kind of like that scene with Bane and Batman from The Dark Night Rises, when Bane tells Batman "I was born in the dark you merely adapted to it." Not calling my wife Bane (or a cow for that matter), but a better metaphor for her and me in our family couldn't be made! My point is I'm not saying this because I have mastery or from a position of having this skill highly honed. I am saying; you can be like me 'in over your head' and still say 'OK' let's play - enough to build a solid future relationship with your kids.
Case in point as I was trying to steal an hour to write this I've needed to stop several times to see the new 'obstacle course' my boys set up for themselves in our den. The American Ninja warrior spirit is alive and well in our house, a catacomb of pillows and cushions arrayed in various ways MUST be shared with Dad every time it's set up. That level of engineering cant be kept private among themselves. Even if it's the re-arranging of one pillow......literally one pillow being moved from the start of the 'course' to the end...Dad must be summoned to bear witness!
I went, begrudgingly but I went. Check the box! One more memory towards tomorrow. Then I set some clear & firm boundaries with them that would let me get work done. They even almost listened.
You aren't doing this for immediate rewards, you aren't doing it for the rewards at all.
You’re doing it for your Son!
That one day when he has to stand against the grain. When he is full of self doubt and doesn’t know what he should do as a man, when he’s failed miserably and is sick to his stomach and stands to lose everything if he’s wrong. He won’t hesitate, he wont be worried about ridicule in your voice, he won’t second guess his car ride to your house. He will arrive at your door knowing you are always ready to sit and listen when he needs to unburden himself. Because you said ‘OK’ to one more story before bed.
You're doing it for your Daughter!
That one day in the future when your daughter will genuinely need someone and be going through a tough time, a dark time. She will truly deeply need help. She will trust you. She won't know why - she won't even think about it, she'll have a lifetime of positive experiences not accessed by her immediate thoughts but built on a foundation long ago. Reflexively she will pick up the phone and call Dad. Because you said 'OK' let's play at least 2,920 times.
So say 'OK' when your kids want to play. Say 'OK' with later in mind.