The jump from 4 to 6 was big

Baby A & Baby B

I cannot tell you how hard 2016 was.  If Im being honest it almost broke me, and many times it did. 

As many of you know I am far from a calm cool collected guy.  Everything about these guys has put us our on our butts, they came early, they were in the NICU for 2 weeks hooked up to cords and tubes.  I had to wash my hands while being watched by a nurse for 60 seconds before I could even hold them, and then we could only hold them one at a time because they were in different rooms (hospital policy BS).  They being ours now meant we had to buy a new house, two new cars because our current ones were compacts, we had to change everything about everyday we did anything as a family. 4 to 6 meant a total change.

Also they came at a time when my business was going through a huge change and I wasnt sure if the thing I spent the past 4 years building was going to make it.   My wife and I went from having only a few nights a week together to talk and  just spend time together to 0.  The first month I watched my wife feed two babies at the same time...............let that soak in,  I have never seen such grace under pressure than my wife taking care of these two when she was on her maternity leave.

Being completely honest I put on a brave face because there was no other face to put on. In fact this has kind of become our family motto “put on a brave face and lean into it with all you have”.

We had no idea how we were going to handle DOUBLING our house hold size.  We were going from a man to man defense to zone.

Then there was so much more that was going on at the same time,  3 of our closest friends had moved a few months prior, and I lost one of my best friends and consigliere a few months before.  One of our cars was broken and the twins were born 2 days before the anniversary of my fathers death.

We had to make a call that few know about when the boys came home,  ultimately after some long conversations, and some longer math, we decided that I should to stay home and be a stay at home run by business at night dad, and my wife went back to work after her maternity leave. It was here our entire world changed over night......again...... Now im not complaining,  My business is doing better than it ever has (now),  Meghan loves her job and we have saved a small fortune in daycare expenses (now),  but hooooooollllllyyyyy crap was that a crazy first year (then). 

Im not going to lie there have been so many nights I have just cried because we had no idea how we were going to make it, not financially or even emotionally but when you think of the time you want to spend with your kids vs. the time you GET to spend they dont match. 

So many times I talked to Megs about just stopping my business and just being a stay at home dad because of the sheer time it took to just do a mediocre job.  I developed a saying this past year  "Im either a Dad, or im a dick"  Meaning you can only really be all into one or the other, and to be honest there is no choice - Im a Dad. 

I could never have known to ask for this time, just being here for my kids, and having lost so many of my closest friends and family over the past 2 years - I know there is just no way to regret this.  The boys say dada  all the time,  the are constantly at my heels.  I cant lay on the ground because they swarm me.  My son Zane is a freaking carbon copy of me and wants to be just like me........that's intimidating as hell!  Im not good enough to be copied, he needs to be better than me.  Gianna is 13,,,,, 13 freaking years old, she has 3 more inches to go to be the same height as me 3! 

In all this rambling im just trying to say,  I am the richest man I know and I could not have known to pray for the life I have.  I don’t know the cavalcade of right choices I made to get here but I am extremely happy I made them.   This first year with the twins was insane, but these brown eyed boys were worth every second of it, and they made me find a strength I never knew was there.  It sounds lame I know or cliche but seriously the work ive done with them by my side in the woodshed, the meetings ive gone to with them in their strollers all while managing the other two while my wife worked! I got some confidence now that if something needs done - we can do it.

I don’t want to get up be a dad, good husband and work because I want to succeed, I get up and do all that because I know they are watching.