PICK UP THE PHONE
In 2013 I had a lot mapped out; I had very specific goals set for leaving my day job working as a foster care case manager for the state of Missouri, and start running my woodworking business full-time. This had been a dream for a long time and it appeared as if it were within reach. We (my wife and I) made every conceivable step to make this transition a successful one. We were just about to have our second child and first boy Zane; he ended up to be an incredibly sweet and kind boy. At this time in our lives we also were feeling strong as a married couple, my wife Meghan was in a great position at a job she loved, our Daughter Gianna was showing us what a great big sister she could be, we built a decently strong following for my business, and I felt like all the lights were green for go! Then I missed a phone call.
My dad called but I was busy, so I let it go to voice mail planning to call him back later that day-didn’t think more of it. Later that night around 8pm I played the message before calling my father back; I don’t have the message saved anymore, but after his death 5 months later I played the message so many times that I have it committed to memory.
“Hey Dant’…..this is your dad….(laughs) uh but you know that…hey call me back I got some bad news… im at the doctors… its (laughs a little when he says this) its not good news. Im real sick, ok love you”
I didn’t know it but that would be the second to last time I would talk to him where he possessed any coherence. I called him back and we spoke for about an hour, he told me he had glioblastoma a very deadly brain tumor with a low likely hood of successful recovery, and that it was very advanced. He explained they were going to do a biopsy in the morning and that would determine the next steps. I can’t remember this conversation well, in fact this is all I can remember from that hour long phone call. It was like listening to someone talk at the other end of a long tunnel.
The next day my wife and I started making entirely new plans; plans to change almost all of our existing ones. Do we move back to Ohio where he lived so that I could help and spend more time with him? Do we put our house up for sale now? Do we wait to see what the surgeon says? Do we …. We had no clue how or what the next year or two would look like while my father went through a battery of possible surgeries. I was able to call the hospital and talk some to the surgeon but it was all “we need to wait and see” in some way or another. Everything that had been planned or any goal up till now seemed stupid, and small compared to my Dad.
The biopsy didn’t go well; and my father developed aphasia, where he could understand what you would say but in no way was able to communicate back. His words were scrambled and it was never even close to clear what he was trying to communicate. I no longer could understand what my father was trying to tell me - this lasted for the next 4 months. From here things just got worse, ailment after ailment. 4 months later he developed blood clots in his lungs after a bad reaction to some medication. He was placed into a medical coma late one night to stop his pain. Our family was called in to say final goodbyes; I was in Missouri and unable to make it to Ohio in time so a phone was held up to his ear. I barley remember what I said, but i’m happy he got to hear my voice one last time. My time on the phone ended, he asphyxiated and died 3 minutes later on July 3, 2013.
Now I know that in no way me picking up the phone call 5 months earlier and talking to my father would have saved his life. I know that really nothing I did or didn’t do would have helped him recover or avoid death; but it would have been another moment we had, another memory to keep and more time to hear his voice. His death taught me this at least; that one more conversation will always be something you want from those you love and lose.
This may seem to some an overly emotional post or write up, and you are right. I learned a good lesson that day and the depth of the emotions felt in this lesson have burned it into my mind.
“Pick up the phone” whatever that may be in your life, consider what is being missed when we are “too busy”.
I still make plans, I still set goals - in fact thats more important now more than ever as our family grew even more with the birth of our twins 4 years later. Eventually I did quite my day job and have run woodworking business -The 1906 Gents -for the past 7 years. A big part of me starting a blog to live as intentionally as possible has everything to do with being focused, prepared and as planned as possible. Setting goals and having a vision for your life and work is essential, but never for a moment should we consider it the highest priority.
A big part of my decision to start Intentional Fatherhood as a podcast and blog came from that missed phone call.
Looking forward Ive learned to ask myself this everyday: What am I missing by not ‘picking up the phone?’ Apply it this way, right now my son Rocco is home from school sick. I have a million and a half things to accomplish today. I know he’s a little board, I could continue to go down my ‘to do’ list and put a movie on for him, and everything would be fine - I would accomplish all I set out to do today despite the set back of having a kid home with me. Or there’s option B. I can wrap this up - hit post - draw a big thick line down the rest of my to do list, and write “TOMORROW” above it, go down stairs and play with my boy. And thats exactly what Im going to do!
Now will my son remember today? Maybe. Will I? Maybe. But thats not the point, the point is am I willing to “pick up the phone”, to be available, to be present, to temporarily sacrifice the immediate for the long term. Yes I am.
The hope is this; that my actions, my decisions, my momentary sacrifices will instill in my children the habit of “picking up the phone” in their lives. Maybe if I do this today Rocco in his life will “pick up his phone”; whatever that may be for him. Maybe not, maybe he will have to learn that like his father did and experience it before it becomes a truth for him. But Im accountable as a father to do whatever I can so my children can benefit from me. I have to set that standard, I have to model that behavior, I have to pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone - Always